Okay, I’ve officially had it teaching middle school. The kids are squirrely, but I can deal with that. I don’t care for 6th grade “high-spiritedness,” but the 7th and 8th graders I can handle okay. And no, I guess that hasn’t always been the case, but it is something I fixed. It isn’t really the kids. It’s everything I need to do. I don’t have a homeroom this year, but the mountain of work I had when I did could rival K-2. No, I am seriously being scrutinized. Being under the microscope causes anyone stress. I’m no different. I am a good teacher. I know this. Should I be teaching middle school? I don’t think so. I don’t think this is where my strengths lie. Every blasted thing I do is examined, picked apart, and found lacking. I really feel like improvements I’ve made are just not important. I feel as though I’m being treated unfairly.
I’m the first to take blame, even unmerited, when I screw up. Maybe not 100% of the time, but who does? I have OCD, however, and one of the aspects of OCD that cripples me is perfectionism. If I am not perfect, I don’t want to be. I don’t demand perfection from others, but I expect it from myself. And I just can’t seem to do this job perfectly.
I don’t want to teach here anymore. I want to go back to teaching high school. Maybe even in a private school. My current school feels more and more… wrong for me.