Ruminations

I wish I could let go of things and not let them bother me, but OCD has made that a difficult hurdle to overcome. I’d like, for once, to be able to believe the praise and sift through the criticism to arrive at the truth. But I tend to believe the criticism and disregard the praise, so I wind up with a clean, pure dislike of myself.

I am worried about not having a job. I have done what I need to do about it — applied to other school systems. But this waiting to see what happens is hard. I prayed about it the other night. God knows I need a job. He knows the needs of my family. He will not let us do without. I simply prayed that his will regarding my career be done. He knows the right place for me to be. He’ll help me find it. Retrospect is something, isn’t it? I know now that the place where I am currently teaching is totally wrong for me and always was. I don’t need to be in middle school. I was a great high school teacher. I don’t have something necessary to be a great middle school teacher. I don’t know what that something is, only that I don’t have it.

In other news, I finally have a home computer again. My computer crashed and wouldn’t load Windows. Dad rescued it. I was going to have to save all my files to floppies in DOS, then reformat the hard drive and re-install Windows. He was able to avoid that. We chatted on the phone today as he helped me get my computer up and running.

So my husband will be gone pretty much all day today. Eugene Onegin is wrapping up today, and he’s performing Mozart’s Requiem at church as well. I need to go fix some dinner for the kids (and myself). It feels so good to have access to a computer at home again.