Mourning the Death of a Career

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I’ve been feeling very disgusted about my job search. I’m a college graduate. I graduated magna cum laude from a large university. I should be able to pick and choose. And I actually found myself seriously considering putting in an application as a waitress at a pizza joint. Seriously. What bugs me too is that I feel pressed for time. I need to find one soon, or we’ll be in financial trouble. And I simply haven’t had time to look like I really need to.

This time of year, well, it was always a new start. That’s what my old job gave me – teaching high school English, I mean. I got new students. I got a chance to do better. And part of me mourned not getting to do that this year. Not getting the do-over. The chance to be better. I have dreamed of school, students, and my old faculty peers every night for weeks now. Yes, I wanted to quit, but this has been harder than I thought. I am mourning the loss of my old job. Dana was right. She said in my guest book that once you’re an English teacher, you always will be one. So now I guess I feel a bit purposeless. Sort of drifting. I don’t know. I want to reiterate that I did really want to quit. I did really want to move on and do something else. But I’m disappointed. At times, that job was great. Like when student R. asked me to be her mentor even though I was no longer her teacher – just because she liked me best. Like when students really got interested in what we were learning. Like when students said they liked a book we were reading. J., who was a pain in the ass and every teacher I know hated teaching him, devoured The Great Gatsby over a weekend. He loved it more than he would ever let on. It wouldn’t be cool to reveal that, you know. And I never got to teach some of the literature that I really wanted to – British Literature. It is well-known among English teachers that teaching British Lit. is the prize. Every English teacher I have known decided to teach English out of a love for British Lit. I’m such a King Arthur nut – I would have loved the opportunity to really do King Arthur up right. So this has been bittersweet – watching my daughter start school, buying her school supplies, meeting her teachers. After all, I am not starting school, no one bought supplies for my class, and I didn’t meet any parents. Not that I was particularly a fan of doing so, but I digress.

So am I depressed? A bit. I’m mourning my old career. It will lessen over time. If only I could find a good job, I would know I made the right decision. If only.


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Musing About My Daughter

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I have very little of interest to say tonight. I am plagued by allergies, which aggravate my asthma. ::Cough:: I slept most of the day. I think that is okay, considering how badly I slept – kept waking up coughing. Ugh. How charming. Try cuddling with your husband, hacking your ass off. That has got to be as annoying as hell.

My Sarah is a big girl. She rode the bus to and from school all by herself today. She had homework – read for 10 minutes (we started the first Harry Potter book), do her math page, and write sentences using her spelling words. I can’t resist. I have to share her cute little sentences. I preserved them as she wrote them – incorrect usage of apostrophes and capitals, misspellings of non-spelling words, and use of the nonexistent word “alot” included. She made them up all by herself.

I Just Crosed The Street.
I had a nice dream last night.
bee’s Have Stinger’s.
I Saw a Beautiful Stream.
We Have feet to walk on.
I scream aloud alot.
A hot Stove has Steam in it.
I like to eat ice cream alot.
My mom likes tree’s very much.
I like to meet other people.

Isn’t she too adorable?
It grows late, and I must awake before the dawn to walk Sarah to the bus stop.


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The Truth Comes Out… Oh, the Shame!

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Okay, I am seriously pissed.  I have this wonderful bathtub – the tub I have raved about endlessly in this diary – and I can’t take a hot bath in it.  I have the water turned up as hot as it will go.  The water is only “warm.”  So I decide to get into the closet where the hot water heater is located.  This closet is locked.  My house key fits the lock, but the lock won’t turn.  I AM LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN HOT WATER HEATER!  What do they think I am going to do?  So I took a bath in three inches of tepid water.  Now I am cold and cranky.

After much consideration, I have decided to come out of the closet.  Maybe I feel safer now that I’ve moved – I don’t know.  I… am… a… former… high school… ENGLISH TEACHER!  Wow, I just feel relieved that it is out there now.  I had been worried my former students would come upon my diary and guess my identity, but then I thought screw it.  First of all, I don’t teach anywhere anymore, so they can bite me.  What are they going to do?  Second, they’re a bunch of lame-ass kids if they spend all their time on the Internet gossiping about their former English teacher’s diary.  Not talking about something that has been such a huge part of my life has been very hard, especially considering how open I’ve been about most everything else in this diary.

Remember those old Calgon commercials?  Prozac, take me away!  I am going to put on my happy helmet (a wink and a nod to Valerian) dammit, and I’m going to write about whatever I want.

You’re sitting there wondering about your old teachers now, aren’t you?

Why’d I quit?  Because kids today shoot their peers and their teachers.  Because kids today go crying to Mommy if you give them homework.  God forbid you require them to do a research paper that includes BOOKS so they can’t just turn in something they copied and pasted from the Internet!  It just wasn’t what I thought it would be.  I give my respect to those teachers out there that are still slogging away.  In some ways, I envy them.  I feel like I failed – I couldn’t handle it.

The school year has started again, and I’m not there.  And they hired a complete goober to replace me.  There are new pencils, paper, and notebooks.  And I’m not there.  There are new freshmen, scared and unsure, sitting in the desks in the classroom that used to be mine.  Now it belongs to the goober.  So part of me is mourning the loss now that the school year has started again.  I was so glad to leave, but I suppose that quitting this job was a bit like divorce.  Divorce is something you decide is best.  Maybe you even want to do it, like I did.  But it still hurts, and leaving behind the marriage you worked on for so long still feels a bit like failing.  So I failed at teaching.  For three years, I was a good teacher.  The fourth year, I had the worst students I’d ever had, I got divorced, I got unexpectedly pregnant, I got remarried, and I had no support from my family.

I surfed around a couple of the websites of my former students tonight.  Why did I do it?  Nostalgia?  I was a bit fearful I’d see something ugly about me – graffiti rumors painted across the web.  Did you hear what she did?  Have you read the stuff she’s written?  I taught at a school planted firmly in the Bible Belt, a place where everyone went to church on Sunday (most likely a Southern Baptist one) and if you didn’t, you were weird.  Yeah, lots of my students professed to be Christians.  They also systematically cheated on tests throughout the school, were cruel to their teachers and each other, lied, stole, had sex with each other (sometimes even at school), and squealed to their parents or the principal whenever they didn’t get their way.   Yeah, I guess I’m bitter.  Bite me.  You would be too.

Nobody likes me; everybody hates me.  Guess I’ll go eat worms.


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Back to School Blues

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Sarah seems to be adjusting to school just fine.  She has homework every day except Friday.  There is a large Hispanic community where we now live, so I have been teaching her a few words in Spanish.  She seems very interested in it.  My husband mentioned [his post is no longer available] I woke up late and made her late for school this morning.  I felt simply awful.  I know how much she is probably worried about making a good first impression, and I hope she was okay.  I am so concerned with being a good mother and handling this move as well as I possibly can.

I don’t know how I feel right now.  Allergies are definitely kicking my ass.  I suppose I feel down.  I feel very unmotivated.  I just really want to find a job, but looking right now feels overwhelming.  I admit I need help.  I feel unattractive.  My hair just hangs limply.  I feel so tired.  Everything feels overwhelming.  Doing things seems like such a major effort.  And then I either screw them up (like getting Sarah to school) or they go unacknowledged, so I feel like I shouldn’t bother.

Welcome to my pity party.


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Reviews

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These reviews come from a reading journal I started (and abruptly forgot about) in 1999.

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas, Bantam (abridged):

I loved this book.  It was such an exciting read.  The pot twists were challenging.  There were a lot of characters of keep up with.  I loved the intrigue.  Would Edmond wind up with Mércèdes?  Benedetto and Eugénie can’t marry – they’re siblings!  Is Eugénie a lesbian?  Will Valentine and Maximilien ever get together?  Duels, revolution, treachery, murder, incest, love revenge!

Vittorio the Vampire, Anne Rice, Knopf:

This book was awful.  I had to force myself through it.  What has happened to Anne Rice?  All of her most recent books stink.  I miss Louis and Lestat.  Not the Lestat from Memnoch, but the other mischievous Lestat.  I hope she gets “it” back.  Vittorio got bogged down with the paintings and the angels.  Why does she spend so much time on just a year or a week?  Vittorio has been around 500 years – surely he’s seen other things!

Where the Heart Is, Billie Letts:

This book was wonderful.  I stayed up all night reading it, which is very rare for me.  I just had to find out what was going to happen to Novalee.  I had heard really good things about this book, and I really wanted to read it.  I thought the characters were wonderful.  It showed me once again why all the best books seem to be Southern in nature.

Possession: A Romance, A.S. Byatt, Vintage International:

What a wonderful read!  A bit of mystery.  Love and lust.  Victorian mores collide with sexual desire.  Poetry.  Genealogy.  Forbidden fruit.  My husband recommended it to me.  I loved every page.

As you have noticed, I didn’t include a synopsis of any of the books.  I simply wrote my opinions of each.  If you want a summary, you’ll have to ask me nice.  I’m too tired tonight, and I want to get into that tub right now.  G’night.


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All These Kiddos

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Remind me that I should never take four children under the age of 10 to Sears for portraits – especially when the hired help has only been there for three days.

I painted the girls’ nails orange.  (That’s the way they wanted it!)  Brushed everyone’s hair, picked out four reasonably cute outfits in solid colors (except for the baby, who wore a blue and white gingham suit).  Threatened everyone with violence if they got their clothes messy.

Each time my stepdaughter Genevieve visits, I think we grow closer.  She likes me to brush her hair, and according to Steve, she lets very few people get near her fine, tangled hair.  Today at Sears, she wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me.  I hugged her back.  It was only after we had embraced that way for several moments that I remembered she wasn’t my own daughter, who was playing nearby with her stepbrother.  I don’t mean that I mistook her for my daughter, but that it felt natural.  Sort of like she was just another one of my own.  So we hugged, and I stroked her fine, soft hair.

I’m very tired.

Honestly, the hardest thing to get used to is all the fights and the way they tell on each other.  Up until about a year ago, I had one child.  Then I got married again and got pregnant and boom – I have four children all of a sudden.  I never had to deal with the dynamics of sibling rivalry or any of that stuff.  In all frankness, I admit I have very little patience for it.  Hopefully, Steve can help me learn how to handle all these little ones.


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Musing About Family

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Well, I really wanted the job, but I didn’t get it.  I was initially upset, but I feel better now.  Three hours of driving with the music at top volume, singing so loud that I was actually (I think) annoying the girls – my stepdaughter and my oldest daughter (nearly 6 and 7 respectively).  Let’s see – what did I have in the CD player?  The Jayhawks, Abba, Duran Duran, Robbie Williams, the Violent Femmes, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and the Black Crowes.  I think that was all.  I owe my odd affinity for Abba to my childhood.  Mom used to play Abba records all the time, especially Saturdays when we would clean up the house.  So don’t make fun of me – it is all about being wistful.

I was tired, but the drive home, singing – I don’t know.  It somehow rejuvenated me.

I love having all the kids here.  Even if they are loud and get on my last nerve with the running, jumping, and yelling.

It has been an intense week.  My grandfather died.  I have never met the man.  Never even talked to him on the phone.  He was 80.  He had had his voice box removed a few years ago.  Then, a couple of years ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer.  The kicker?  Then, he quit smoking those unfiltered cigarettes.  Why bother?

This morning my grandfather’s stepmother died.  She was almost 100.  She was a sweet old lady – she loved getting/writing e-mail and she loved Tiger Woods.  She tatted me a beautiful doily for a wedding gift the first time I got married.  I don’t know when it was that she married my great-grandfather.  Mom and I were trying to figure it out on the phone.  She says she thinks my dad’s grandmother died when he was about 10 or so, so it had to be after then.  My great-grandmother died in one of the most horrific car accidents I’ve ever heard about.  She drove under a semi truck and was decapitated.  Dad said he thought his world had come to an end.  So I don’t know how to feel about all these relatives dying when I didn’t know them well.  I am closer to Mom’s side of the family, mainly because Dad was abused as a child and has as little to do with his family as he possibly can.


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A Trip to My Old College Town

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Oh, I’m sleepy. Long day driving around. We went up to the town where I went to college. It was kind of fun showing Steve my old dorm, some of buildings where I had classes, some of my hangouts. I really liked it there. I was happy. Not so much because my life was going swimmingly, but because I was young, I was on my own, and I was learning so much. The campus is beautiful. I miss college sometimes. It wouldn’t be the same going back to grad school. Part of what I miss is the whole undergrad experience of living on campus and being young. I am mad at myself for not letting my hair down a little more while I was in college. I didn’t go out much.

I was telling Steve about going out with my friend Carmen on her 21st birthday. I have a very low alcohol tolerance. That, coupled with my small size, means I get drunk very quickly. On this particular night, I took a cold pill. Don’t ever mix those with alcohol, folks. Not good. I only had two beers, but combined with the cold pill… I was fairly buzzing. Anyway, everyone around me decided to mosh. I hate when that happens. No one asked me if I wanted to be involved. They just started shoving. I will say this about moshers — they usually help you up if they knock you down. Someone with very big boots kicked me in the shin and I had a bruise the size of an orange for weeks.


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Wish #2: My Favorite Book

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Oh, Strawburygrl, could you have asked me to write about something harder than my favorite book? I don’t know if I could possibly narrow it down to one! I chose a book to discuss, but I will tell you all that it is only one of my favorites. I couldn’t narrow it down to one single favorite.

In my profile, I list my favorite author, after my husband, as F. Scott Fitzgerald. I think there is something beautiful in his prose — something very poetic. He has a facility with the English language that I very much admire. For that matter, so does my husband. But it is easier to discuss F. Scott Fitzgerald, as he is well known. He had a very tragic life. He was an alcoholic. He died young — age 44, I believe. It is quite possible he suffered from Bipolar Disorder. Certainly his writing demonstrates manic tendencies — he holed himself up in the upper floor of his parents’ home to pound out This Side of Paradise — mostly to get Zelda Sayre to change her mind about not marrying him. He was fascinated with wealth. His wife, Zelda, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and died in a fire in a mental hospital. He was beautiful — his photographs show a strikingly handsome man — but what was really beautiful was his expression.

The book that I am going to discuss is The Great Gatsby. Lots of you may have been forced to read it junior year, and if that is the case, you might not have enjoyed it as much as you could have. What I mean is that teenagers in general buck against being told to do anything — trust me on that, if you can’t remember. And we may decide not to give a good book a chance simply because we’re forced to read it. So if it has been since American Lit. that you read this book, give it another chance.

Every last detail about why I love this book? The beauty of the language, as I have said, is one thing. Gatsby is such a tragic figure. He falls in love with an idea. He wants Daisy, but he doesn’t really know her. He loves the image of her that he has created in his mind. He loves what Daisy symbolizes — acceptance and wealth among them. Every detail of his life revolves around getting Daisy. Does he really want wealth for himself or because it is a means to get Daisy, the girl all the others wanted? Nick, the person who tries to view all the events with an unprejudiced eye, winds up somewhat more jaded at the end. Gatsby never gets the insight Nick does. Gatsby refuses to see the reality that crashes down around his carefully constructed dream.

The other characters are lovable in their ways. Daisy, the vapid, careless narcissist. Tom, the racist, brutish oaf. Myrtle, the voluptuous, social-climbing bimbo. Jordan, the classic beautiful snob who cheats at golf. Wilson and his dog-like devotion to a wife who thinks he’s beneath her. I don’t mean lovable in the sense that I like them so much as they are so well described, so easy for me to see.

I love the symbolism in the book. The green light that beckons at the end of Daisy’s dock. The eyes of Dr. T. J. Eckleburg — all seeing eyes of a God that will not move to stop the events, but watches them play out. The Valley of Ashes that represents the decay and squalor of the lower classes in comparison with the wealth at the center of the story. Isn’t it interesting that the eyes of Dr. T. J. Eckleburg watch over the desolate Valley of Ashes? The Owl-Eyed Man who senses greater depth in Gatsby than anyone else realizes.

I felt saddened as Gatsby was steadfastly drawn toward his own destruction and couldn’t see it. I cried when he died and nobody came. The last pages of the novel are pure poetry.

These are my favorite parts (mostly descriptions) from the book:

He [Tom] had changed since his New Haven years. Now he was a sturdy, straw-haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and supercilious manner. Two shining, arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding clothes could hide the enormous power of that body — he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage — a cruel body.

And this:

Turning me around by one arm he moved a broad flat hand along the front vista, including in its sweep a sunken Italian garden, a half acre of deep pungent roses and a snub-nosed motor boat that bumped the tide off the shore. …

We walked through a high hallway into a bright rosy-colored space, fragilely bound into the house by French windows at either end. The windows were ajar and gleaming white against the fresh grass outside that seemed to grow a little way into the house. A breeze blew through the room, blew curtains in at one end and out the other like pale flags, twisting them up toward the frosted wedding cake of the ceiling — and then rippled over the wine-colored rug, making a shadow on it as wind does on the sea.

The only completely stationary object in the room was an enormous couch on which two young women were buoyed up as though upon an anchored balloon. They were both in white and their dresses were rippling and fluttering as if they had just been blown back in after a short flight around the house. I must have stood for a few moments listening to the whip and snap of the curtains and the groan of a picture on the wall. Then there was a boom as Tom Buchanan shut the rear window and the caught wind died out about the room and the curtains and the rugs and the two young women ballooned slowly to the floor.

The younger of the two was a stranger to me. She was extended full length at her end of the divan, completely motionless as with her chin raised a little as if she were balancing something on it which was quite likely to fall.

And:

[H]e stretched out his arms toward the dark water in a curious way, and as far as I was from him I could have sworn he was trembling. Involuntarily I glanced seaward — and distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away, that might have been on the end of a dock. When I looked once more for Gatsby he had vanished, and I was alone again in the unquiet darkness.

And:

This is a valley of ashes — a fantastic farm where ashes grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens, where ashes take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and finally, with transcendent effort, of men who move dimly and already crumbling through the powdery air.

And:

She was in the middle thirties, and faintly stout, but she carried her surplus flesh sensuously as some women can.

And:

Her laughter, her gestures, her assertions became more violently affected moment by moment and as she expanded the room grew smaller around her until she seemed to be revolving on a noisy, creaking pivot through the smoky air.

And:

I noticed that she wore her evening dress, all her dresses, like sports clothes — there was a jauntiness about her movements as if she had first learned to walk upon golf courses on clean, crisp mornings.

And:

They were still under the white plum tree and their faces were touching except for a pale thin ray of moonlight between.

And:

Sometimes a shadow moved against a dressing room blind above, gave way to another shadow, an indefinite procession of shadows, who rouged and powdered in an invisible glass.

And:

So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.

And:

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. … And one fine morning —

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.


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